Roast talk

A transcript (or something close to what I said) at the BDB Roast follows. Enjoy.

(Musical intro. A track in really poor taste. I mean, come on, you bi+che$!)

Good evenin' everybody. I brought along some props, and well, I wrote this all down...em, as our friend here is prone to say, "Y'all listen to this. I'm pretty proud of the hook, but I think the verse could use some work." (hold for laughter)

My remarks tonight aren't really in the traditional roast fashion. Instead, I'd like to share with you some insights into what I've been able to glean from Brett just by being around him.

During my time in Athens, I learned alot. But one of the most significant outcomes for me: personally, professionally, and indeed spirtually, can be traced back to one night in 2001. It was in this particular moment when I was in deep conversation, thought, and research...along with a certain amount of Jack Daniels'....(hold for laughs, hoots, etc.)....with both Brett and Michael Knight. The precious product of this period of intensity would become not only a legitimate pasttime, but dare I say....(pause)..a NEIGHBORHOOD-WIDE phenomenon! (hold for laughter). Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am referring to the sporting sensation known as Phase 5 (show chart, side A).

Now, while Mike and I contributed significantly to the technical aspects of the activity, I feel that Brett firmly had control of and understood the deeper, more philisophical nature of Phase 5. And it is with apologies to Barry Green, I give you this motivational lecture I call, "The Inner Game of Phase 5." (moderate laughs, chuckles)

Because a number of you are Phase 5 virgins, I'll begin by explaining the rules of play, and then expand on a particular life's lesson that we may be able to pull from truly understanding Phase 5 when distilled down to it's pure essence. It is through contact with our guest of honor here, and trying to understand him, that I now pass these thoughts along to you.

Phase 1: Just get the ball through the door. (demonstrate with chart) Does the message get more clear than this? Have a simple goal. Don't try to do too much at one time. Have a vision and see it through.

Phase 2: Bounce the ball once, and then in through the door. (demonstrate with chart) This phase may be trying to tell us, "Discover the resources around you and use them!" Indeed, a bounce or an adjustment along life's way may actually help to propel us through that doorway of life. And hey, having another technique in your personal/spiritual bag-of-tricks just might come in handy some day.

Phase 3: Bounce the ball once on the near concrete, once on the far concrete, and then through the door. (demonstrate with chart) Stay the course. Stay the course, though many obsticles may come up to "bite you in the a$$." Keep you eyes on the prize and don't let anything get in your way.

Phase 4: Bounce the ball on the "Welcome" mat just outside the door, and get it through the door. (demonstrate with chart) This can be tricky. Take into account the conditions. Sometime the mat may be wet, and cause the ball to lose a lot of speed. Othertimes, it may be dry, and fast as the greens in Augusta. Take this lesson: utilize or "welcome" any input you may find in assessing the conditions surrounding your goal. Help of others is also advisable.

Phase 5: By whatever means neccessary, knock over the Phase 5 Chalis which rests on the arm of the couch, sitting just inside the door of the apartment. (demonstrate with chart) When you've successed, take time to eXperience the joy of your success. Be exuberant, and enjoy the moment.

Much like our friend that we roast tonight, Phase 5 is interesting, deep, and means something special to everyone. Let's not take the lessons of Phase 5 lightly. Let's review them together, shall we?

(Turn chart to reveal Side B.)

"The Inner Game of Phase 5."

H-ave a simple goal.
D-iscover resources around you.
S-tay the course, no matter the obsticles.
U-tilize or "welcome" input from around you.
e-X-perience the feeling of success.

What wonderful and valuable truths we have revealed tonight through Phase 5! (laughter)

We love you and good luck, buddy. (applause)